Andrew, this blog is inspired by our conversation regarding distraction.
This morning I found my missing journal from last year. I leafed through the pages and re-read some of my scribbled, extemporaneous thoughts. Those things that distract us from experiencing the Presence of God was the topic of most of my entries. I thought I would share snippets of those with you.
October 26, 2006
....I know what it feels like to share in Your joy--to find fulfillment and contentment in You. The world harbors so many distractions that my sinful, lustful eyes absorb; they catch my attention. But they leave me feeling empty.
When I turn to You, I feel overwhelming joy and I wish to never return to my worldly distractions. But inevitably I do return. The curiosity beckons me back. I open Pandora's Box, and out comes a world of beautiful, enticing, exotic gifts, all of which bear a hidden evil. Once I see past their beauty and stare head on at the evil, I run to You once again.
This is the cycle of my life. If only I would sit long enough in Your Presence to understand that I never really wish to leave.
November 14, 2006
Parker Palmer wrote, "The poles of a paradox are like the poles of a battery: hold them together and they generate the energy of life; pull them apart, and the current stops flowing."
I experienced the sensation of deep, inner longing today, and the only way I can categorize my feelings is as a paradox. I couldn't quite pinpoint the object for which my heart was longing. Somewhere I hoped I was feeling an insatiable longing for God; that my heart was so eager within me to experience His Presence and that my pulsating soul would not quiet itself until I found rest and solitude in Him. This felt much like hope--an eager, intense hope--that is yet unfulfilled, but very certain.
But something else deep within me feared that the object of my intense longing was not God Himself, but some other lesser object that my soul craved. I feared that my lustful gaze and petty heart was whoring after some other god that I believed could fill and satisfy and please this ever-growing craving. And this felt much like emptiness, which led my soul to shed tears to the point of deep sorrow, even though my eyes remained dry and I continued to smile.
So I live in this paradox of feeling like I want nothing less than to pursue the very heart of God, yet fearing that my heart would be content with nothing more than another false god.
But in these moments, I need to turn to You; yea, in these moments, I want nothing less than to spend time in Your Presence communicating with You, sharing this feeling that is much like hope, yet the closest to sorrow I have known. I long for You to create life out of this paradox. Invade my world with a unique calling from You, and give me the strength to passionately pursue You.
And so I wait.
In the balances.
For You.
Just You.
Come.
3 comments:
I've felt like you wrote on Nov. 14 many times. Those are some great thoughts since it is evident they are sincere.
i signed in as my blog name b/c there is no sense in hiding it anymore =). and i just don't feel the need to justify my rambling thoughts anymore since this is who i am.
Perusing through Borders today I stumbled across a book called "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard and i'm sorry if i missed the boat but this looks like just the book i'm looking for and probably very appropriate for our discussion yesterday. Check it out, i'm reading the reviews on amazon and they are very complementary.
I'm glad you're not hiding it anymore! :) I read through all of your posts, which are not nearly as rough and rambling as you think, and I will comment on them later this evening.
Funny you mention Willard's book. I have it on audiobook (I love to listen to books) and it has been on the list to read. I'll begin it tonight. As I was looking at all of my audiobooks, the majority of them are from your favorite authors (many by C.S. Lewis, many by Ravi, one by G.K. Chesterton, and Piper--well, I own more of his written books than audiobooks). And the book right before The Divine Conspiracy in my CD case is Heaven by Alcorn. Good stuff.
We'll have to discuss Willard's book when we've read it. If you ever want to listen to books on CD by your favorite authors (it's great in the car), let me know and I'll send some your way.
Books on CD is a good idea. I read some more reviews on Amazon and it sounds like he (Dallas Willard) might be Arminian/Open Theist. I'm still interested but I'm going to take a break before I start a book like that mostly because I want a break after I finish my class this week ;). I'll still be interested to hear your take on it when you read. Oh yeah, and it's a beast: one review said it's over 400 pages, small-font and "rough" language. So probably not a breezy weekend read.
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